A Haiku

Here are things I like:
Spending time with good friends and
making memories

U know that feeling when the only thing that will actually make you feel better is friends but you really just want to be alone

Day 9

I finally finished that damned, damned homework.

My soul feels many pounds lighter since finishing. Now, I just have one more math problem due tomorrow morning, then I'm free for the night. There's a derivation due on Friday that I probably should get a jump on, and I may look at it for a while, but not now.

I still spent most of the day working with Clare, but then had free time by myself which was much needed. I still feel on the edge of a depressive episode, so I shouldn't be alone for much longer I don't think but it was good to recharge.

I had to wash my backpack today; I spilled coffee full of milk and sugar all over it. Even just two hours after the spill the bag started to smell so I put it in the washer. Now it smells delicious, but I forgot to empty a pocket so I lost a pad and some panty liners in the process.

I've also been listening to the song "The Weight of Living (Parts I & II") all afternoon. It's been stuck in my head and I really like the build of the song, and the way the words come together.

In Part 1, there's a part that goes

"All the things you've said, and all the things you've done,
Can you carry it with no regrets, can you stand the person you've become"

Which, not gonna lie, is a pretty downer line, but I think it's important to keep in mind, and I'm really just feeling it today.

Part 1 also heavily features an albatross, which I just learned was a bird and not a mythical creature.

The albatross is a good omen that brings guidance.

Right now that's all I know, but there's a poem called "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" that this is based off of, and I want to read it. In fact, I have the poem copied out onto a word document, and I just need to print it out to read and annotate. It's 9 pages in total, even after making each page two columns. I'll print it front and back, but that's still a fair amount of paper. Oh well.

An albatross would also be an interesting tattoo.

Along the way of me really just procrastinating doing math problems, I found the quote "Courage, dear heart" by CS Lewis, which is now on the quote board, and in my head. Love.

Speaking of single words, Trump infuriates me. Just everything he does. It's making me more politically involved, but wow being angry all the time takes a lot of energy.

I'll try to read that poem tonight since I really don't have that much work for tomorrow; we'll see what happens.

Days 7 & 8

The past two days were incredibly busy to the point where I didn't have time to write a post yesterday, but it doesn't even matter because it can be lumped together just about the same as today.

Both days I had class, and spent the rest of my free time working. I've spent 8 hours in the library in the past two days. For reference, I've spent about 5 hours in class the past two days. Math methods, and other classes to a way lesser extent, has consumed my life, but it's giving me something to focus my energy on, which has been keeping me pretty content, i.e, not depressed. There's not time to be depressed.

I'm still mostly taking care of myself, yesterday I had two good meals, and today, they weren't good meals, but I ate.

I ordered a danish on Monday, but forgot the word danish, so I asked the guy behind the counter for "...that one with the cheese and the red". He asked if he had the right one, and as he handed it to me said "I think it's called a danish..." Yikes.

Today I read most Genesis and Exodus in one sitting. It was painful and I didn't really take in all that much but I did it.

I tried to talk to Padalino (both days) to ask for a letter of recommendation, but he hasn't been around at all.

Really not much else is happening. Goodnight I'm tired.

Day 6

Today was a laid back day. I woke up at 10:30, casually got dressed, then went for  brunch with Lilli.

Brunch was most likely meant to be a half-hour event, but it turned into a solid two hour event. We began talking about our New Years resolutions which led to how personal we are on various social media platforms. It was good. It felt good to tell her what was on my mind (this obviously came up because my resolutions are rather personal) and also to hear how she was. I remember the stories but sadly the only resolution of hers I remember is that she wants to eat less dairy.

After brunch we went back to the suite and I tried to do homework. I did the prerequisites, like printing things out, but then I got distracted and cleaned old papers out of my desk. Eventually I gave up all together and watched YouTube videos. This carried me well into the afternoon.

Around two Chrystyna came home and brought more Christmas cookies and perogis. Much delicious.

I was basically still fooling around at that point, but I did have work to do so I texted Clare about working on math methods.

I went over to her building and we worked for a while. Intermittently, Praveen called me to ask me about lotion and facial cleanser. So sweet, so innocent, so pure.

I had two chocolate covered strawberries while in Clare's building; Mary P brought them back from her weekend away.

Clare, Julia and I then went to Erie to work on the problem set more with Kula. This turned out to be a wise choice, and I am now 40% done with it. We're getting there.

Clare and I got dinner together, then I headed back to the suite.

I talked to Chrystyna and other suitemates some when I came back, and did more homework. This continued until midnight, then I gave up and just got cozy and ready for bed.

Now here I am, lying in bed, typing on my phone since I have a roommate again (pardon any typos), ready to read the news and then go to sleep.

Day 5

Whoops fell asleep before I got a chance to write my post yesterday, so here we go.

The fire alarm went off at two in the morning, right after I had fallen asleep. We were outside for approximately 15 minutes, then we came back in and I immediately went back to sleep. Maybe ten minutes after that though, Mary came home with a friend, and kept me from falling asleep for like another hour.

I woke up for real at 6:30 AM. It was painful, and in reality I got up at 6:50 because I couldn't make myself move.

Then I wore all the purple, gold, and white I own (which add up to approximately one item of clothing each), and went to the women's march in Seneca Falls with some RAs in Monroe and Livingston.

Being at the women's march was incredible. I was surrounded by positive energy, and wholly encompassed by the power of women.

I don't know how to talk about it in an eloquent way, but I'm glad I went with my peers, and got to meet my mom and a family friend there.

When we left, us younger girls got Thai food in Henrietta.

We got back to Geneseo, I hung out with Lilli and Cameron for a while, got dinner with them and Jenny J, then went to the hockey game with some of my Monroe boys.

That game was really something. My average heartrate during the game was like, no exaggeration, 95 bpm. I yelled and screamed and I it was amazing and awful.

Then I helped Jamie get ready to go out, and she made me Dr. Pepper rum which was really good. But then I thought I was going to hang out with Eric but he's a butt and went to the suite even though he said he wouldn't so I just went to my room when Jamie left.

In total I had like half of the Dr. Pepper, then, since I wasn't doing anything, I showered and watched Let's Plays.

Allie and Jasmine got home around midnight, and I went to sleep fifteen minutes later, and slept for over 9 hours.

Day 4

Today, as you may be able to see from my previous post, I was depression. I just had no energy. However, that doesn't mean that today wasn't (at least kind of) productive.

I asked Dr. Steinhauer for a letter of recommendation, and he said yes! Then I sat outside of Padalino's office for like 20 mins because I thought he wasn't there. I only found out he was there because another professor went into his office. Then another, and another. So I gave up and decided I'll just try again on Monday.

After I got back from that I did approximately nothing. Jon and I had noodle bowls for lunch, and then after I went back to my room after that, I wrote that blog post and was in a fog.

The inauguration was on for most of the day, including when I had lunch but I couldn't bring myself to watch it then, and it made me upset. I watched for a while, then I had to stop and go distract myself.

I watched some of a let's play, and some of Always Open, and then I took a nap. Cameron also took a nap. In fact for a while, he and I were the only ones in the suite. He was napping on the futon, I was napping on my bed. It was a time.

After I woke up, I asked RA friends if any of them had gotten dinner, only Eric replied and he already ate, so I waited until 9 to eat so I could get pizza logs.

Then I, kind of, watched Getting Over Sarah Marshall with Lilli and her friend Anissa. I wasn't really into it and was mostly just on tumblr and tinder.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Women's March in Seneca Falls with Jamie and some girls in Monroe. I'm meeting my mom there so it should be good. I have to wake up at like 6:30 for it though, so here's me signing off

Not my post for the day but things on my mind

So I currently feel more depressed and for a longer period of time than ever before.

I still hang out with friends, do well and classes, and I'm getting involved in extracurricular activities that I truly care about, but my head is behind a fuzzy wall.

Like, just now. I had lunch with Jon, and we had good conversation, but when there was a lull or anything, it felt like those days when my face is just uncomfortable, and now I'm sitting in my room and staring into space.

I don't feel like much.

Not in a "I'm not going to be anything in the future." way, but I just don't... feel.

Over break I was thinking about the last time I cried. It was the day Trump got elected, and since then  really not much has happened.

This entry doesn't really look to solve anything, but maybe it's a place to start. We'll see.

Day 3

Alright its 1 AM and I have to get up early tomorrow so this is going to be a quick run down.

I woke up before my alarm for the third day in a row, read the news, showered, but was somehow still running a little late when I went to class. Also, as I was heading out the door, I remembered that the fire marshal was doing fire hazard room checks. I didn't have time to do anything about it, but I let my suitemates know so we could take down our (copious) hazards.

Class was that kind of lecture where nothing makes sense until the last ten minutes, and even then you're not sure if it's because you understand what you've been doing the whole time or if you've moved onto something easier.

It appears my chem class will be like that too, and math methods, so I suspect a lot of textbook reading this semester.

I started an application to study abroad in the fall in Edinburgh. I've been to Edinburgh once before, and I loved it, so why not study there (they also have a fairly high ranking in best physics programs in the world)

I had lunch with Sam, it was the first time we've really caught up this semester... he told me about Nintendo's new product.

Then, I went to the ISC for half an hour in an attempt to do work (it did not work), then I was off to humn. Humn was interesting, but got a little dry so I was glad class let out ten minutes early.

Because I got out of class early, I could go to colloquium and hear about the truth of physics in star trek which was SO. COOL. It didn't require much actual thought and it was fun to listen to.

Afterwards the exhaustion began to set in, but I got dinner with Eric, Hannah, Jamie, Sam, and someone on the Monroe staff whose name I don't know. After that we went to a chocolate fountain in the union, then I went to Wegmans.

After that I did some homework (I got more Modern homework done in 45 mins than Math Methods homework I've gotten done in 6 hours) and watched friends.

I watched TV with Chrystyna and other people as they came and went until Mary began to restyle her tapestry, which inspired me to move my desk, and Chrystyna to put up more photos.

Now I have gone to bed, and need to sleep.

Day 2

My day can be summed up by Newton 204. I had three classes, and they were all in that room. Chemistry, physics, and math methods.

These classes will definitely take work, but like the ones yesterday, I can handle it. Although, even with only 15 credits, this will be a difficult semester.

I talked to Dr. Pellerin today about helping out with GROW STEM, and she was so excited. It was so sweet.

Later in the day, I talked to Dr. Padalino about doing research during the semester, and it went well! He's not doing much with TRTF, but he did say I could work with Alex on NToF things.

I spent four and a half hours on differential equations, which is why I'm writing now. I am tired.

Yeah I'm just tired. Time to do mindless activities, like watching more Parks and Rec. Or some Let's Plays. We'll see.

Goodnight

Day 1

I made it to the end of the first day of classes!

The classes themselves were nothing to take particular note of, my diff eq class will definitely take some thought, but I'll definitely make it through to the other end, and my humanities class should be interesting.

As I said earlier, I spent a lot of time getting myself organized, and so far it's working. I did far more work today than I would have otherwise. I got a physics problem done, and started my math homework. yay. and I do mean that in the most sarcastic way. Getting work done was good, not getting very far despite working for a few hours is a little disheartening.

Onto non-school matters, the drama has already started. Well, this was the end of the drama which I'm thankful for, but it was hella awkward to get there. Summing up, feelings are the worst, and people need to not, but I love my friends a lot.

To be honest, that's about all. There really wasn't much on my mind, I was content with how I handled the day. 

I am optimistic for this semester, and believe this will be a year of hard work, and personal growth. 

Hello 2017 (Spring Semester)

Right off the bat, yes, I know that 2017 has already started. I know that I missed saying hello by seventeen days. BUT today is the first day of my spring semester classes, and I'm working pretty hard to try and organize, and generally improve myself. Blogging was not initially part of this plan, but it is important to keep a record of things, and blogging always helps me keep my thoughts together, so why not.

I began this year with a list of resolutions:

1. Call my parents more. (Self explanatory, really. They raised me, love me and want to see me do well. The least I can do is call more than once a month)
2. Find out why people's expectations of me scare me so much (This is a lot of the reason that I hold myself back so often. Maybe not in a professional matter, but it's the reason I don't tell people new, personal information about myself. If I think they've already formed an opinion of me, I don't want to change it)
3. Watch the irony (No one likes a wholly ironic person. I just want to be sure that I do not become that person.)
4. Tell people how you feel (This is largely related to number two, but it's something I need to specifically remind myself of, because I tend to tell people... only necessary information. It's not healthy for me, and overall just limits the relationships I can form with other people)
5. Separate stress and anxiety. (They are different things. They often coincide with one another, but they are not inherently the same.)

I see from including descriptions of this list that it seems rather lengthy, but I think I can keep up with this list because they're not just surface issues that I have with myself, but rather things that I know I need to change to function better as a human in society.

As the semester begins, I am organizing my time better. Yes, what a vague and open statement. But really, I am. I started using a website called getplan.co, and I imported my google calendar, and have made myself to-do lists for each of my classes, and give myself times to work on specific tasks.

So far it is definitely making me be more productive, but I need to remember to leave in time to watch youtube videos... funny but true. Leisure time would be a better way to put it.

This is just an introduction, and I'll be back later tonight for an actual post about my day.